Saturday, February 18, 2012
Love - Or Something Like It
I've never been in love. In my whole existence on this earth I've never had the feeling of falling blindly or madly in love. I have never had that "weak in the knees, butterflies in the tummy, staring in each other's eyes, can't go to sleep because that's all you cant think about" type love. Never experienced the kind of love that kept me on the phone all night.. that "you hang up.. no you hang up first" type love. Or even that "talking on the phone so long till we both fell asleep" type love... Never had it.
Never experienced that "Be my Valentine" type love you know that kinda love that got him sending flowers and candy to your job to make you look like a queen and make all the other women jealous. Never had the kind of "hey baby how u doing? love, you know that "you look stressed let me ease your load" love or that "Let me take you on this vacation because you deserve it" type love. I've heard about it, I've seen my friends go through it and have even seen it in the movies. But as for me myself... never had it. Can't even say I've ever even come close to it. I've dreamed about it, I've prayed about it. But for some unknown reason, I've never found it.
Sure I've had "love". I've had confusing love and abusive love. I've had that "I love you but I'm not in love with you" type love. I've had the "baby I love you let me hold $20" type love. And even that "I love you but I'm just not ready for a relationship" type love. I've had that "sex so good I wanna come back every night" love.. that "have my baby cuz this shit's so good I don't wanna pull out" type love. I've had circumstantial love.. that "you're such a good girl you'd be the perfect person to have a family with" type love or even that "you have such a good head on your shoulders you'd be the perfect wife" love. Or that coulda woulda shoulda type love... you know the "maybe if I had met you when I was younger" type love or the "now you left and I wished I woulda treated you better" type love. I've had all those. I've had the kinda love Jill Scott talks about, the "self serving, undeserving constantly hurting" and cheating love. And that "baby I'm sorry love"... Oh I have had TOO much of that love...so much of it I'm sick of it, don't wanna hear it, don't wanna see it, don't even use the word sorry in a sentence if you don't wanna see the bitch in me... ok love?
But all this got me thinking like..really what is love? Does it even exist or is it a fantasy or fairy tale that's only in the movies or fictional stories? To be quite honest I can't even point out ANYBODY around me that's even in love or experiencing anything like love... or at least my idea of it. All around me I see relationships filled with cheating and lies and people staying together because they are afraid of starting over and they just don't want to deal with the unknown. I see people together for convenience or just "we've known each other so long we ain't getting no younger might as well just settle with each other" type love. And that "lets stay together for the kids" type love... I'm definitely a product of that union. I see some of my closest home girls in that "desperation" love. All around me are females clinging to men they've just met trying to feel loved or women putting up with disrespect to the third degree just to have someone they can tell the world that they "love". I see women in their 40's and 50's who've pretty much given up because they've tried so many different men but nothing seemed to pan out so its like fuck it.. "I'm old let me learn to love me" kinda love.
And at this point love seems so elusive... so unattainable.. so hopeless.
But if there is any chance there is some kind of love fairy somewhere sprinkling fairy love dust and handing out love wishes this is all I would ask:
Give me a love that's built on FRIENDSHIP... where we can hang out and chill like homies and I can be normal and natural and not have to worry about being on my A game all the damn time for fear of turning him off. Give me that HONEST love. Tell it to me like it is... I may like it, I may not but at least if its honest I can work with it, whatever "it" is. Maybe u think my sex is wack or my breath stinks or maybe u think I could step my sexy up a notch.. whatever it is give it to me straight no chaser. Tell me so I can fix it. Don't lie to me then go outside and chase it. Give me that RESPECTFUL love. I need it.. gots to have it, this is not up for bargain, debate or compromise. Respect me as a human being first and foremost, as a woman second then as YOUR woman, third. Because if you respect me as a human being there are common courtesies you will always show me, respect me as a woman then I know you understand the makings of me and everything I come with and as your woman you wouldn't do anything to shame or violate me within the context of our relationship. Give me that LOYAL love. U know that "I'm human and might make a FEW mistakes but nothing can ever come in between or make or break what we have because I am committed to US and what we have is solid and unbreakable and nothing comes before it." I would die for this love.
And that's it. That is all I ask. I want nothing material, or superficial. Nothing based on the physical. Just the intrinsic sincerity of someone of substance. Keep the money, the cars and the fame. Keep all the other bulshit that comes with the cat and mouse love games. This is all the love I ask for and need. Kind fairy sprinkle some dust my way... please.